Chapter 103-104

Sometimes things happen unexpectedly; you set yourself up on a date just to see if you are capable at having a conversation, ease your nerves on meeting new people, and get whacked in the face when the unexpected happens.

I was never expecting to meet someone. If anything, I was expecting to go on a few fun dates, let them fade, and start my life as a single woman. Either way, I knew one thing: that it was over. Regardless of what happened after, everything before told me that it wasn’t enough. I was foolish and I let my head justify something that my heart knew was true.

While he wasn’t a bad man, he didn’t hurt me intentionally, although several times I had been hurt because of him. His fatal flaw was that he was selfish. Several times I had put him first instead of the things I cared about like God, my family, my friends, and most importantly, myself. But this process only proved to be damaging in the end. Instead of listening to what I felt, I justified my actions by saying, He’ll care someday, or, He’s just stressed. I deserved better the whole time.

Little did I know that one date would change everything I thought I knew. I met someone when I wasn’t expecting to, he blew me out of the water, and I can’t even explain the magnetism in which he uses to pull me to him. We talk, we connect, and we express how we feel without remorse.

It’s hard not to compare this to my last, but it’s a constant reminder of what I have been searching for, even after I had stopped really searching.

Chapter 102

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Despite the date that wasn’t a date, I decided to put myself out there, and then it felt wrong. So I waited a few weeks and decided I need to explore this new idea of self. Hence, the blog. Some of this will be narrative I suppose, and others will just be the exploration of the chapter that starts in the middle of my life and the middle of something that could end or grow.

It’s been just over two weeks at this point. I’ve been through the emotional ups and downs, the spurts of damn, I’m awesome, to holy s***, this sucks. It’s sometimes difficult to tell what kind of mood I’ll be in, how late I’ll sleep, or what horrible things I might say in the heat of the moment.

I go through these given mentalities that I deserve better and I should never have to ask someone to love me. That sounds desperate, but it does happen. I think it happens more than any of us really want to admit. I’ve spent three years trying to get someone to love me for exactly who I am, all the way down to my weird quirky habits to my fluctuating weight and insecurities.

I’m not saying I need someone to make those go away–the only person who can actually make your insecurities disappear is you and you alone–but it would be nice to know that someone loves you despite those insecurities. I shouldn’t be afraid to say I deserve what I want either. Arguably, that fear has kept me from actually going and getting what I want, which is stupid…but we all have to learn sometime, I suppose.

I’m learning many things as this “break” from each other progresses. First thing, I didn’t know nearly all I thought I did. I truly thought that love was supposed to be hard work, and it is, don’t get me wrong, but it shouldn’t be so hard that you constantly have to question whether or not someone actually loves you. Writing that and knowing that I’ve been doing that for the last couple years sounds almost pathetic and a little desperate.

I’m not an expert on love by any means, and if I was, I would call myself …The Guru of Hearts and Hard Work and start the hashtag, #makeloveyourbitch…but I’m not, and this is the truth.

The next thing I have learned is that I have no idea what I’m doing, nor what I should be doing. Yesterday I literally sat in my room all day, watched Netflix (Supernatural new season btw), and played The Sims…yeah, it happens…so what? That shit’s awesome. And just in case y’all are wondering if I have a job, I do. I’m a teacher, and I have summers off…what of it? (I also have two other jobs that follow me into summer).

I’m not sure if I should be dating others and actually seeking others, it just doesn’t feel right, like I feel like I’m cheating on him. But I also know that he told me he wonders what it would be like to go out on dates with other people…funny, considering we never really went on dates. Did I also mention that I got crazy for a moment and told him if I see anything on social media, we’re just done? Yeah, that happened. Like George Carlin (RIP) once said, “men are dumb, and women are crazy. Women are crazy because men are dumb”…obviously women and men can be both dumb and crazy, but I digress.

Snap, back to reality, woop, there goes gravity…I’m sitting in this cool coffee shop called Cape’s here in Des Moines, being awesome and writing an exceedingly long blog post on my relationship reflections. While there is much more to learn, much to discuss, and more happening, it’s cathartic to just get it all out in the open…Stay tuned for chapter 104.

 

Chapter 101

A couple days had passed, and a few tears that followed. I woke up and went about my day like a normal person, except I had a mission that I wasn’t going to sit around and feel sorry for myself, beside the fact that it just felt weird. Because even though he lives in another state, I felt a new sense of loneliness I hadn’t felt before.

I may have grown a little bitter, vindictive, and resentful because in my mind, sitting around meant that he won. But I also know that it’s not a competition, or a true breakup, despite the fact that it truly feels like one.

Lucky for me, I had plans with my best friend to go out on the town and enjoy some of the new local places that just opened. My version of not feeling sorry for myself was to make myself look irresistible, fun, and full of life. I put on my shortest dress (with class, of course), and strapped on my favorite heals, curled my hair and wore a bright shade of pink on my lips; I was ready to go.

Walking into the bar, I spotted almost no one, which was weird for happy hour on a Saturday night. Shelby was still on her way, so I sat at the bar and struck up a conversation with some of the handsome bartenders. *Side note: If he was lonely and wanted to go out on dates, then all be damned if I wasn’t.

Shelby strode in, but I was having pleasant conversations with the gentleman serving me, so having her there was a delightful bonus. Soon, though, the conversation shifted from the four of us to just us two. I broke the news that we had decided to take a break, and despite the fact that I know she doesn’t like him, she was rather sympathetic.

The night passed, and the drinks flowed. Apparently they flowed enough for me to feel that idle confidence that hadn’t been seen in a while, and I left my name and number on the coaster for him.

I had hoped he would text, but I didn’t. In reality, I wasn’t ready for him to, but knowing that I had, albeit a few days later, the balls to do something I hadn’t done in over three years.

He called, and we went out. Nothing to it. We didn’t touch, hug, or even kiss. It was nice to talk to someone, have them listen, and show a genuine interest in my life, but it wasn’t what I really wanted at that time.

We said we would do it again, but I think we both knew that we wouldn’t. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t right.

Chapter 1…or 100. I don’t actually know

Just like any other day, I felt like things weren’t working out. I also thought that maybe it was my fault that it wasn’t working out. To combat this ugly feeling, I got on my phone and sent the text that would change things for me. Maybe for the better, maybe not. Who knows.

Because I’m generally a supportive person who can sometimes just be a little selfish, I wanted to offer my heart, my patience, and of course my support to him on his new journey. Little did I know, or maybe I did, that it would spark the conversation of “this isn’t working”, “I’m lonely, and I know you are too, and it isn’t fair to you for me to be feeling this way without you knowing”, and “I think we need to take a break”. Oof. Three years, several moves (none of which were actually together), and a lot of me fighting for a relationship, seeing a future, and being so excited for it, all led to this moment.

It also led to me sitting on the floor of the gym in an area where no one goes besides a few stragglers, crying and trying to understand what went wrong, or how this whole thing happened.

Anger and sadness crept in simultaneously, per usual, as I can imagine that it should, given a situation like this.

Our conversation went back and forth between me telling him he was foolish, how I truly have felt, and asking a question that I honestly thought I already knew the answer to: “are you in love with me?” Maybe I shouldn’t have asked, who knows. The sad part is…he said, “yes…I think so?” like he was questioning himself.

Damn. That stung. Like a slap in the face you couldn’t see, it actually happened. Something I think I’ve known for a while, but have never really been able to admit to myself. I’m not sure which is worse. If I think about it, it’s almost pathetic. No one likes to admit that someone isn’t in love with them. Even when that’s all they wanted. Especially when that’s all they wanted.

Not giving an answer, I kept arguing, told him not to talk to me, and ended the phone call–after an hour sitting on the floor, which I didn’t have to do. That was dumb– I walked to my car, got in, and per usual, cried. I told him I didn’t want to talk, spent the rest of the night not sleeping, and went to my friend’s the next day.

It wasn’t until later that day that I finally just got pissed off enough to tell him to take his goddamn break, but I didn’t want to talk to him all weekend. Too many emotions were in the way for me to have a conversation.

Rainy Sundays

 

This rainy Sunday has me not giving a sip about anything, especially since I somehow have developed a cold overnight.

I’m having one of those days where I know I have work to do, but actually doing the work seems tedious, unnecessary, and not really worthwhile. What I really want is to just write. But I don’t even really want to write this blog. I want to be writing a story, but of what? I have a ton of ideas that I can’t really seem to sort out.

Each little character has their own life, has their own plot line, and their own conflicts, but somedays I feel that I think of too many stories that I can’t narrow down to the one I want to write, so I just don’t. Probably not the best idea, but the only one I have at the moment.

From a former student: Some things are just too accurate on a rainy day

January is the birth and the death of motivation

Hello, all!

So, here I sit, in my room on a Saturday night. Why, you ask? Well, because my motivation to be better as a human and my ability to have said motivation have simultaneously been created and destroyed in the same month. Welcome to January.

For the last week and a half or so, I have been chewing on a few ideas, but knowing very little about how I am actually going to turn these into goals, and what’s further, accomplish them. Wanting to achieve something but not knowing how to do so, has to be one of the most frustrating things ever.

Most of these goals are designed around a single focus: education-educating myself on the world, and doing what I can to educate others. I have little money to go explore it, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t learn about it, and it should also be the same for others. While I don’t consider myself dumb or uneducated by any means, I know that there are many things that are above my experience, education, and exposure level. These are the things I hope to change by closing the gap on what I know, what I can learn, and what I can do because of my new-found knowledge, especially for those who are like me.

I grew up in a primarily un-political home, meaning that my parents never put much time into politics or government policy. Instead, what they did was stay informed as a citizen locally by watching the news merely for updates on what happened today.

Some may call it laziness or not doing their due-diligence, but my parents have done all they can to ensure that I make a life for myself; in fact, sitting here stewing on that notion only makes the reality that I haven’t done anything about this that much clearer.

I have created guidelines for myself to become better: drink more water, be healthier physically, and take better care of my mental health, and etc. I have accomplished some of these things, but those are a lifestyle change, not a goal to accomplish. One goal always leads to another, and one change always opens the door for another opportunity of growth. My next object of want is to build up the courage to ask my very intense boss for a letter of recommendation so I can pursue a job in another district because I make next to nothing and can’t afford rent with a roommate-gotta thank those low property taxes for my low paycheck!

In order to achieve I have to step out of my comfort zone, be more confident, and go after the things I deserve rather than waiting for them to find me. I believe everything happens for a reason, but I also believe that God sends signs and you can choose to listen or ignore them. I am also learning that decisions you make have to be for you instead of the people around you. Of course it’s important that those you love and care about are considered, but ultimately, it’s all you.

That all being said, I have a vision for what I want to accomplish, the dormant drive to accomplish them, and no real plan for how I am going to get there, and THAT, is the part that gets me. As a teacher, I am a planner by nature, so the lack of a plan has the ability to make me feel like I’m not actually achieving much.

To combat this, I just purchased an app called “Balanced”; it allows you to set up your life and balance yourself out. It’s hard to imagine that people learned how to do this without an electronic device, but I need a little more help than that, I suppose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things I don’t understand

  1. Why I am working so hard for such a small paycheck, living with my parents, and still not being able to save any money.
  2. Why student loans have to exist in the magnitude they do.
  3. How even when I think about getting a second job I panic that I won’t have time for my first job and my performance will suffer… or that I won’t have any kind of life after that.
  4. How anyone who is not a teacher automatically assumes that my job requires little work, and fails to understand that I don’t just show up, do my thang, and leave–that I actually sometimes work at the school until 7 and take things home with me just to ensure that I don’t fall behind.
  5. Kids coming into my room for help during my prep period. I love helping them, but how in God’s name can I get anything done if they are having a mid-life crisis about writing their essay?
  6. The lack of money I have for Christmas presents for reasons 1-3.

Please excuse my December existential crisis. It too shall pass, but in the meantime, you bet I’m going to freak out.