Despite the date that wasn’t a date, I decided to put myself out there, and then it felt wrong. So I waited a few weeks and decided I need to explore this new idea of self. Hence, the blog. Some of this will be narrative I suppose, and others will just be the exploration of the chapter that starts in the middle of my life and the middle of something that could end or grow.
It’s been just over two weeks at this point. I’ve been through the emotional ups and downs, the spurts of damn, I’m awesome, to holy s***, this sucks. It’s sometimes difficult to tell what kind of mood I’ll be in, how late I’ll sleep, or what horrible things I might say in the heat of the moment.
I go through these given mentalities that I deserve better and I should never have to ask someone to love me. That sounds desperate, but it does happen. I think it happens more than any of us really want to admit. I’ve spent three years trying to get someone to love me for exactly who I am, all the way down to my weird quirky habits to my fluctuating weight and insecurities.
I’m not saying I need someone to make those go away–the only person who can actually make your insecurities disappear is you and you alone–but it would be nice to know that someone loves you despite those insecurities. I shouldn’t be afraid to say I deserve what I want either. Arguably, that fear has kept me from actually going and getting what I want, which is stupid…but we all have to learn sometime, I suppose.
I’m learning many things as this “break” from each other progresses. First thing, I didn’t know nearly all I thought I did. I truly thought that love was supposed to be hard work, and it is, don’t get me wrong, but it shouldn’t be so hard that you constantly have to question whether or not someone actually loves you. Writing that and knowing that I’ve been doing that for the last couple years sounds almost pathetic and a little desperate.
I’m not an expert on love by any means, and if I was, I would call myself …The Guru of Hearts and Hard Work and start the hashtag, #makeloveyourbitch…but I’m not, and this is the truth.
The next thing I have learned is that I have no idea what I’m doing, nor what I should be doing. Yesterday I literally sat in my room all day, watched Netflix (Supernatural new season btw), and played The Sims…yeah, it happens…so what? That shit’s awesome. And just in case y’all are wondering if I have a job, I do. I’m a teacher, and I have summers off…what of it? (I also have two other jobs that follow me into summer).
I’m not sure if I should be dating others and actually seeking others, it just doesn’t feel right, like I feel like I’m cheating on him. But I also know that he told me he wonders what it would be like to go out on dates with other people…funny, considering we never really went on dates. Did I also mention that I got crazy for a moment and told him if I see anything on social media, we’re just done? Yeah, that happened. Like George Carlin (RIP) once said, “men are dumb, and women are crazy. Women are crazy because men are dumb”…obviously women and men can be both dumb and crazy, but I digress.
Snap, back to reality, woop, there goes gravity…I’m sitting in this cool coffee shop called Cape’s here in Des Moines, being awesome and writing an exceedingly long blog post on my relationship reflections. While there is much more to learn, much to discuss, and more happening, it’s cathartic to just get it all out in the open…Stay tuned for chapter 104.