The first thing I would like to share is how grateful I am for my friends. Without them, I would be absolutely lonely and even more isolated that I already am. Tonight after meeting with my friend Sam at a place down the street from my boyfriend’s, I decided that I would drop by and say hello.
First let me start by saying that I know it was later, but he was definitely still awake. All I wanted was to stop by and say hello for a moment, nothing too ostentatious or ridiculous. Per usual, he was playing Fortnite, and while it’s not as if I expected him to stop doing something when I just popped up, I saw something I haven’t seen in his eyes for a while. He was 100% completely immersed and engaged in this, watching it like it was the sexiest thing he’s ever seen. It was at that moment where I felt completely deflated because truthfully, he hasn’t looked at me in a while.
I know over time people become comfortable and stop trying to impress their partners, but I guess that part hasn’t stopped for me yet, and I think it stopped for him a long time ago. He’s closer with his online community than he is with me, and I can’t help but be put off by it. For example, our one year anniversary was yesterday. After arriving to his house, and sitting there for some time, he was still watching Fortnite videos on youtube, and had barely acknowledged my existence until I asked that we check and see what’s on plex.
I spent a lot of time over the last couple months thinking that it’s my fault he seems disinterested, but then I realized that it’s not true because I’m still trying to impress him. Not because I think I have to, but because I want to. I like getting dressed up for him and letting him feel like he’s worth getting dressed up for, but that all stopped on the other side. I know that he doesn’t mind me in my comfy clothes and no makeup, and that’s great. But despite my efforts, I can’t help feeling that he is no longer attracted to me. I’ve spent a lot of time in relationships feeling like I’ve had to fight tooth and nail just for place in someone’s life, and as quickly as I found someone who made me a priority, I lost it just as fast despite prioritizing them and their needs. I’m always the last to stop fighting for a relationship, and they always try to fight when it’s too late.
I promised myself I wouldn’t work when others don’t work alongside me, but I never seem to be able to keep my word.